BuMpS iN tHe RoAd

This past week has been a little bit of a roller coaster for me. I had my 2nd sound mapping appointment on Tuesday and I was looking forward to gaining more volume and more sound clarity. I completed my assignments over the weekend which consisted of practicing my sentences with Matthew and slowly increasing the volume. After my appointment, I left with three new programs with increasingly louder volumes, all set with Advanced Bionic's signature Harmony 120 feature. The 120 program maximizes my ability to hear the full range of sounds in the environment. This feature highlights chirping birds, smacking lips, crinkling paper, clacking keyboards, rustling leaves, and so on. As soon as Ginny flipped it on, sounds immediately went from dull and monotonous to crisp with multiple tones. Simply put, Ginny sounded like a female again!

As the week went on, I was involved in several meetings that required my full participation. I also had many phone calls to make, multiple conversations with various co-workers... I felt drained by Friday. I feel down on myself at night, frustrated with how much effort I have to spend just to understand a simple conversation. I'm a runner and I do a lot of my thinking and soul searching while pounding the pavement. On my run Friday morning, I realized why I'm having a harder time mentally this time around... I think I'm grieving (temporarily). Let me explain. When a parent suddenly discovers their small child has a hearing loss, most spend some length of time grieving. They grieve for the sounds their child may never hear, the opportunities that might not be realized, dreams that may now be out of reach. Older people who lose their hearing with age experience depression or isolation over the loss of their hearing. Same thing with adults who suddenly lose their hearing from exposure to noise or illness or whatever. This is normal.

With me, I never grieved my hearing loss. Why would I? I don't remember ever being able to hear "normally" - my auditory world, up until my cochlear implants, has always been a weird amplified version of muffled sounds only made clear with lip-reading, sign language, captioning, etc. That was my reality and it was just fine with me. Then, I got my first implant and over time, my auditory world has changed so wonderfully and positively beyond what I ever believed I could hear and understand. I'm more independent auditorily than I've ever been in my life! And I love it! I'm so thankful.

Now, here I am, with my 2nd implant and I'm back in this world of fuzzy noise, muffled voices, sounds I can't identify or pinpoint. Coupled with a career that I love and am so involved in, I have a perfect recipe for frustration and, as I now realize, down in the dumps and missing my nice world of familiar sounds I can access easily. The logical part of me knows this is all only temporary but thats the funny thing about emotions - they don't always respond to logic. But I'm working on it.

There's another little thing we're not sure is an issue. When I put on both implants, it feels like an electrical current is surging through my body. Its so uncomfortable, the only volume I can tolerate is a human whisper. Ginny gave me instructions to wait until this weekend and then try both of them on for 15 minutes to see if time has made a difference. I just got done with that assignment and I'm disappointed to find out that there hasn't been any change. When I asked Ginny if this is a normal reaction, she said no but was quick to add that everyone is different. So I'm not sure what this means but I hope it improves with time. We'll see.

My next sound mapping is on Wednesday, followed by listening therapy. I'm looking forward to getting an even better map and also some answers to this weird bilateral electrical experience. In the meantime, its beddy-bye for me. Happy Easter everyone!

Love,
Becky