The Return of the Robots

As I write this, I am about 36 hours into the activation of my new implant! I've experienced feelings of dread, excitement, optimism, and being overwhelmed all weekend long.

Dread
Last week, as activation day hovered on the horizon, I became increasingly anxious. Once activated, I am obligated to listen a majority of the time out of my new implant only. I must reserve my original implant for situations where critical information is being exchanged (i.e. meetings, phone calls to parents, etc.) or when I'm simply at my wits end, tired and frustrated. This commitment gives my new implant time to learn auditory processes and identify sounds in my environment without the crutch of the other implant. Learning how to hear with both implants will come later. As I drove to work last Thursday morning, I was listening to my regular morning radio news station ... and I became acutely aware that I wouldn't be able to enjoy this simple pleasure for a while. It took probably 14 months with my first implant before I could listen to the radio and understand an entire spoken story. It was disheartening to think about.

Excitement!
The next day, Friday, April 3, I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. Its odd considering all week long, I had been experiencing a Pandora's Box of negative thinking - focusing way too much on the downsides of starting over with a new implant. But it must have been a healthy form of mental processing for me because by the time I was sitting in my audiologist's office, I felt mentally prepared for the tasks ahead of me. More than that, I was excited! This day marked the first step toward achieving my fullest potential as a listener. Matthew and Jane (my mother-in-law) accompanied me to the appointment. Ginny, my audiologist, started pulling all the equipment out for activation and I felt like an old pro. I recognized all the pieces and was comfortable handling my new $7,000 (thank you health insurance!) processor. Even though I had been through this once before, Ginny was careful to take a few minutes and talk about reasonable expectations. Then ...drum roll... I was turned on. And the robots came marching right in.

Optimistic
As I sat in the chair with my new implant turned on, I felt like the sound I was hearing was literally pulsating in my skull. We had the volume turned down very low because the stimulation can be painful at first, if not carefully controlled. I haven't worn my hearing aid for 2 years...so it felt WEIRD to have a sensation of sound in that ear. To help my nerves become comfortable with the stimulation, Matthew read a story to me while I kept my eyes closed and focused on whether or not the volume was too powerful. Then, gradually over the course of the 2 1/2 hour appointment, we increased my volume by several levels. Ginny also tested my listening comprehension by having me select the word or phrase off a worksheet that she would say. I did well enough to advance through the first two levels! Even though I can understand over 90% of spoken speech with my original implant, I am back to square one with my 2nd. At the same time that it was disheartening to see how little I could understand, I was also thrilled and excited when I was able to correctly identify a single word or simple phrase just 2 hours into activation. The joy of hearing and understanding has not faded for me. =)

Overwhelmed
Leaving the quiet, safe hospital behind, we ventured out into the real world of bangs, crashes, chatter, beeps, and a million other sounds happening at once. We've returned to our familiar game of "whats that?" I can't tell the difference between my dog's bark, a person sneezing, or a door slamming shut. They all sound the same: "wa wa". My husband's voice sounds like "wa-wa-wa-wa-wa". The coffee dripping in the pot sounds like "wa....wa.....wa...." The phone ringing sounds like "wawawa...wawawaaw...wawawaaw." By yesterday afternoon, I was feeling pretty wiped out. The combination of still recovering from surgery coupled with feeling like an over-stimulated baby, parked me on the sofa last night. I didn't have much more motivation than to get caught up with putting old sensitive documents through our office shredder and listening to the "wa-wa-wa" of the blades. Then, my dad called. I answered and told him I'd call him back when I put in my original implant. Oh boy, having two implants is intense. I actually had to turn down the volume of BOTH because I felt like someone was clanging cymbals in my skull. My head literally felt like it was pulsating from the intensity of the sounds. And all that I was hearing was my own voice! As soon as I hung up with my dad, I took my original implant out and I was actually grateful for the relief. Hearing through two implants is a whole 'nother experience I'll patiently take my time to reach.

Looking Ahead
On Tuesday, I have my 2nd mapping with Ginny which I'm excited about because we'll start focusing on adjusting my programs for sound clarity. These are the mappings that will help the Charlie Brown cartoons retire and human voices return. On Wednesday, I have my very first tistening therpay session with Nanette, my speech pathologist. The appointment is exactly what it sounds like: therapy focused on teaching me how to listen better (Matthew says he likes this but I think he's hinting at something other than my implant!). These sessions will help Ginny program my sound maps more efficiently because Nanette will be able to identify which parts of sounds I have a hard time distinguishing. This multi-disciplinary approach to my care is representative of the Marion Downs Hearing Center, something I find highly appealing as a consumer of their services. I couldn't be in better hands!

We'll see how the next few days go. I so appreciate everyone's words of encouragement and excitement. I'm lucky to have so many people rooting for me as I venture on my "robo-tronic ear" experience, as my cousins lovingly say. Until next time...

Love,
Becky